SHADOWS OF THE PAST

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THE BALLERINA

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As a child I suffered in silence, drawn into a web that held me so tight, there was no escaping the clutches of my abusers.  Thinking back, I can now see that he controlled me by being the "good guy" while my mother was the disciplinarian.  He would be there for me, giving me the hugs which I never ever remember getting from my mother.  But his love wasn't the right kind of love.  Now as the adult I know that, but as a child I didn't.  It felt good to be loved, even though it led to abuse.  I for so long blamed myself for letting this happen.

As children, we are forced into silence, forced to be quiet because if we told, and I thought this as a child that I would be sent back to the orphanage, and I didn't want to go back.  I also didn't want to break up the family unit.  I would be blamed for all of this.

I lived my whole life pretending that we had a wonderful family life, that
nothing ever went wrong.  Everyone on the outside looking in saw that our family was a good strong family, parents taking us to church on Sunday.  Little did everyone know that it was all a lie.  That evil lived inside.  The only person who really loved me I think was my grandmother.  She was my salvation whenever she came over to our house she would always give me hugs and love me.  Those were the hugs I longed for, the ones I never ever got.  How I miss her.

My father controlled me letting me think that he really loved me, but that was just all a ploy.  He used me as his toy, because if he cared for me like a father was suppose to care for their child, he would never have sexually abused me.  Looking back I see how quiet and somber I was as a child.  Quite, sitting rocking back and forth, something I still do to this day.

I still think about when my father was dying from Alzheimers.  Was this his punishment?  I often wonder.  But I still wonder why, when he was in palliative care, that I had to stay every night in his room.  I slept there, then went home showered and changed for work.  I did this for 3 weeks.  For some reason, I just didn't want him to die alone.  I still don't get it.  My family didn't get it.  Even though I haven't forgiven him, I just had to be there.  He never ever did say "I'm sorry."  My mother never ever knew. 

Today, I am a survivor and am proud to be able to say that.  I have come a long way through therapy with a fantastic therapist, who helped me so much, and I know she reads my blog so thank you  for all your kindness and hard work we did together.  I am a better person today because of it, and because of so many other caring friends and family who were and still are here for me.  Abuse hurts a life time, but we can overcome it and leave our past where it belongs, in the past, and move on to our tomorrows.....~mg~ ©

THE PUZZLE OF MY LIFE

Don’t worry how others live their lives

Or how their life should be,

Let their pieces fix themselves

That is their worry, their destiny.

The broken pieces of your life

Like a jigsaw puzzle, confused,

Trying so desperately to fix it right

Can’t think, how your mind is fused.

But we think we can repair the damage

Of another person’s life,

That we are experts to tell them

 How they should deal with strife.

Don’t even try, it’s impossible

With THEIR lives you have NO control,

Your puzzle pieces, so broken

It’s YOURSELF you need to console!!!

Take each piece and feel its shape

Each curve is your journey long,

Turn it to fit inside the puzzle piece

Bit by bit it will make you strong.

A puzzle has many pieces, crooked, curved and straight

And the only pieces you need to fix are your very own,

Each intricate piece eventually, will fall right into place

When done, smile and see just how much you’ve really grown.

Written by Mary Graziano©

February 25, 2013

Watercolour Painting, title and some words

Belong to Michal Madison

www.michalmadisonart.com

SHADOWS OF THE PAST

Don’t hide in the Shadows of the Past

You don’t live there anymore,

Your destiny is yours to create now

Leave the past, and close the door.

Look at the now, come into the light

Feel peace, tranquility unfold

Embrace your spirit, reach out and love

The past is dark, relentless and cold.

Rejoice in your new found happiness

Find your solutions of the present and grasp,

Hang on, the light is astounding

You’re no longer in the Shadows of the Past.

Written by Mary Graziano©

Title and some words belong to

Michal Madison

www.michalmadisonart.com

face the darkness of the past ~
and focus on solutions in the present!
live in the light~
create your destiny

feel free to share
~michal madison
www.michalmadisonart.com