Being a survivor from incest, physical and emotional, and sexual abuse by another really kicks you in the gut at times. Come back to bite you real hard even when it comes to you in a dream, and you know it can’t hurt you ever again.
It is just a dream, and you tell yourself this, but sometimes it just stays in the back of your mind, and as days go by the memories come back to haunt you all over again. This has been going on with me lately, dreams of the past, dragging me down again. I hate it, and just want it to all go away and leave me alone to live my life without the past seeping in through the cracks. But I am told that it is the way to continue to heal, and that didn’t make any sense to me. I thought I was healed, I thought I had finished with all the ugly shit that had taken hold of me years ago like a constrictor squeezing me tight, squeezing the life out of me. Now it’s back? Sure doesn't feel like healing to me, but talking with other advocates who are fabulous friends of mine, Michal, Trish, Pat, Deb, Ebele, they all told me the same thing, we have to go through the bad crap at times in order to continue healing.
I was getting so frustrated with myself I was ready to explode inside, because I hold it all inside when at home, so not to upset hubby. I felt I would be able to get over it in a few days like I always do, but this time not at all. It is hanging on clinging like a little child does who is afraid of something and won’t let go. I continued to hide how I felt to my friends, put on my happy face at work, and hoped no one would notice. But I was told by my friends online, that they could tell, something was eating away at me. I guess I’m not as good at hiding things, even when I try to seem cheery to everyone.
Healing is not easy, and I think that we will all keep healing and never be completely healed. Triggers are always going to be there, and it depends on how we handle those triggers. We can get through them, and most of the time we will succeed, and continue on with our day to day lives, but as I found out, sometimes the monster grabs hold, and it is so hard to let go. We need to be gentle with ourselves, with our inner child, she/he is still hurting inside when these triggers, memories, dreams come knocking at our door, that little child in us becomes afraid again, and we have to be able to tell her/him that everything will be ok, but WE ourselves need to really believe that, because if we aren't honest with ourselves, how can we be honest to that little child inside of us.
There is always hope, hope gives us something to grab onto. Hope is that courage to fight, fight those demons that want to still control us, but we are survivors/warriors, and we can now fight back, and move on with our lives. Hope is the belief we have in ourselves that we CAN move forward, we CAN tell our inner child that it IS going to be okay and they are safe, NO ONE CAN HURT US ANYMORE!!!