NIPPERCAT'S HOME

2011-07-24T15:35:00.012-04:00

A PRAYER FOR CAYLEE AND ALL CHILDREN

We don't know why

It happened, and

We truly don't understand,

We feel that

You were a part of

All families

In our Lands.

Your short sweet life

Has touched our hearts,

So many people prayed

You never will be

Forgotten,

As we live from

Day to day.

The pain that you

Did suffer,

To understand is not

Only God knows

How a mother,

Could be so evil

And kill her only tot.

Your family mourns

A precious loss,

They are so

Very sad,

Our prayers go
Out to Grandma,
And also your Granddad.

So many tears were

Shed that day,

When they found

Your small remains,

How many children

Have to live with abuse

We cry, our pillow stains.

I know your life was short

Dear Caylee,

You suffered needlessly,

But now you smile from up above

You have finally been

Set free.

If you could tell

All children,

And a message to

Your Grandparents send,

Of what it's like

In Heaven,

Their hearts would surely mend.

I write this poem

For Caylee,

I write for all abuse

Of children who live

In horror and pain,

Of all MONSTERS

On the loose.

Written by: Mary Graziano

Feelings of Guilt

2011-07-24T14:57:00.003-04:00

Feelings of Guilt

Sitting by your bedside
Every night and everyday,
I felt so sorry for you
All I could do was pray.

I prayed for peace to come to you
So no more suffering you would feel,
I stroked your forehead tenderly
I knew you wouldn't heal.

I told you that I loved you
It seemed so very odd,
How could I love someone like you
No answer did I get from God.

So many tears I shed that day
I knew the end was near,
I told you it would be alright
As I whispered in your ear.

I never heard I'm sorry
And now it is too late,
Maybe that would have helped me
All those years, how I did wait.

Watching you become a "shell" of a man
It broke my heart to see,
Maybe this was your punishment Of what you did to me.

In pallative care we kept you
But I felt guilty deep inside,
I felt like I did murder you
Even today I've sat and cried.

I whispered to you to let go
Be free from all your pain,
I asked if you were sorry
But there just was no refrain.

Staring at the ceiling
I wondered what you did see,
Memories coming from the past
Of what you did to me?

You passed away, no more pain
I watched you as you died,
I cried for you, you were my dad
But our secrets we did hide.

So many secrets between us
That were sealed away with time,
But I will somehow release them
Now that I'm in my Prime.

I kept you on a pedestal
Which was not suppose to be,
But we had some really good times
And my heart it did agree.

But the shadows from the past still come
They overtake the good,
My nightmares see your presence still
In front of my "little" self you stood.

Three years ago you passed away
I feel guilty for not visiting your grave,
But I just can't bring myself to go
That little girl in me is not brave.

Just maybe one day I might forget
The past that still clings to me,
And help that sombre little girl
So we both can be set free.

written by Mary Graziano

I started writing this poem when I stayed at my dad's bedside all night long for 3 weeks before he died. Everyone in my family told me to go home and rest, that he didn't know I was there. But there was something deep inside of me that wanted me to stay each night, sleeping in a chair for short periods, then checking on my dad. I felt so guilty for putting him into Palliative Care hearing him whisper "I'm hungry" and the nurse coming to give him a higher dose of morphine so he wouldn't feel the hunger pains. I really did and still to this day feel like a murderer. I haven't been able to visit his grave as I said in the last lines of my poem, I don't know why, I don't know if I'm afraid to, that too many memories will flood back to me, I just don't know...

Today, I finished this poem.

2011-07-24T14:50:00.002-04:00

DO DREAMS COME TRUE

Some nights when I dream
I dream of glorious things
A world that is free from strife,
Where there is much love
From our God above,
A miraculous vision that we call Life.

But when from my dreams I awake
My heart how it breaks
Because I know it was not real,
There is so much abuse
Against children so small,
I know they just can't heal.

So much sadness abounds
For these little ones
Who have no voice and are so helpless,
Some help must come
To speak up for them,
And set them free from all duress.

It is up to us to be the ones
To raise childrens' spirits high
To loudly speak up and be listened to
And shout for all to hear,
We will tell the world that we do care,
So maybe others will take our cue.

Our world what it needs
Is to be free from such hurt
So all children, peace, will know,
Spread this message around
And the children will see,
That my dream was meant to grow.

written by Mary Graziano

This is what I spent my morning doing, writing this poem. and I want to thank Dreamcatchers, for getting me to write again after so long, For some reason today I am hurting, and am feeling very low, so writing this did help to take my mind off of myself and putting it onto the poor children out their who are being abused in so many ways..Thank You....Mary

2010-04-28T22:51:00.004-04:00

Wash Away The Tears

Night after night, she lay awake
Frightened by her fears,
So many years were wasted
With thoughts that no-one hears.

The innocence of her childhood
In a blink of an eye it was gone,
Dark memories were created
It was so very wrong.

Where was her protector
To keep her safe in the night?
Her abuser she sees his shadow
Oh what a ghastly sight.

She has no smiles or laughter
Only memories that haunt her still,
Her eyes release the images
Of the shame, she's had her fill.

Nights so bad it makes her
Wish that she were dead,
So much guilt and shame she feels inside
No more tears are left to shed.

Wondering if the memories
Will ever fade away?
One day will she forgive or forget
Or is the past where she will stay?

Nights so bad, she's waiting
For the light to shine so bright,
To end the hideous memories
Crushed and out of sight.

She prays to God to take away
The past and all her fears,
To help her sleep without the pain
And wash away her tears.

written by Mary G.

2009-11-09T19:48:00.001-05:00

To My Mother

I felt the loss of my childhood
In so many many ways,
I only saw your anger
Everyday it was displayed.

You were always so very busy
To see much need for me,
Away from you I was happy
I felt completely free.

And then there was the shame
Of two people touching me,
You weren't around to see it
To this you must agree!!

My shame should be yours also
You never protected me,
Or hugged me when I cried at night
It was him you sent to see.

The damage done was irreversible
I felt dirty by their touch,
Two people you did love and trust
It gave them such a rush.

You're as much to blame as they are
You never cared, you brushed me aside,
I wish I could have come to you
But I knew you'd say I lied.

I really really did love you
Even though you hurt me so,
You were the only mother I knew
But did YOU love me? I'll never know.

written by Mary Graziano

THE BOOGIEMAN

2009-06-04T07:08:00.006-04:00

THE BOOGIEMAN

Many many years ago
When I was very young,
The darkness always frightened me
I felt so very numb.

To me you were the boogieman
Waiting for your prey,
Somehow you got me to believe
That you loved me in your own way.

How could you be the boogieman
But in the daytime be my dad,
Treat me with love and tenderness
But at night you were cold as ice.

You often said it was something
That dad's did with their little girls,
You wanted me to believe it norm
My head was in a whirl..

As a teen I knew it wasn't right
But I was too afraid to tell,
You knew that and took advantage
You put me through that hell.

Only I knew you as the boogieman
To everyone else you were my dad,
Someone who was so wonderful
But to me you made me sad.

My dreams were turned into nightmares
That haunt me to this day,
I was so afraid to sleep at night
To God oh how I prayed.

I would cringe whenever we were alone
You would pull my pubic hairs,
And make me cry and scream in pain
You laughed, you didn't care.

"No!! Please stop!!" is what I said
But you laughed and did it some more,
As an adult, I know it turned you on
My heart is what you tore.

The question why I'll never know
Because you can only sit and stare,
You're not that Boogieman anymore
But all those memories I still can't bare.

Whenever I come and visit you
Even though you are old and gray,
In your eyes I look and see the past
Oh how it haunts me to this day.

Yes, that boogieman is gone now
He can't hurt me anymore,
Only the memories I have, so daunting,
In my mind forever stored.

written by Mary G.

Like A Rose

2009-03-21T18:21:00.005-04:00

Like a Rose

Like a rose I feel, that does not bloom
Enclosed inside the petals tight,
No air to breathe, I feel the strain
Too hard to cope, I just can't fight.

The petals fall, they can't hang on
They give in to nature, it is their foe,
My abuser, my foe, he always wins
Too small to escape, my eyes do flow.

The petals crisp from the weather cold
No chance to be saved from the new fallen snow,
My life is his, control he takes
Caught in his web, he has one goal.

The wind races on, blows away the snow
Broken pieces of petals begin to stand out,
I don't stand out, I hide my pain
Who would believe, is there any doubt?

Life is gone from the petals cracked
Breaking in pieces they're buried from view,
I feel so broken and can't be fixed
For what I feel he has no clue.

A rose rejuvenates and blooms again
With petals wide open it shows beauty inside,
I have no beauty, the damage is done
I retreat within, I just want to die!!!

written by Mary G.

Through The Eyes Of A Child

2009-02-04T19:29:00.002-05:00

Through the Eyes Of A Child

What do you see I said to her
I see much sadness of faces with tears,
The look in their eyes shows so much pain
I see the terror of all their fears.

What would you change, if ever you could
I would take away their pain and hold them tight
And give them hope, that they never had
Take away their fears from the darkness of night.

What do you feel I asked of her
I feel the presence of danger close by,
The shivers of fear that makes them weep
I wish I could answer their questions...why.

Why would you take it upon yourself
To do these things, to set them right,
Because I know the pain they feel
I know of their sadness for which they can't fight

But how do you know these things I said
You were not there, you did not see,
In them I saw myself, she said
Stuck in time, I can't get free.

Now that you see through the eyes of a child
Can you stop the blame for yourself inside,
I've tried so hard to tell myself
The blame is not mine, and I needn't hide.

It's not your fault, I gently told her
Blame needs to be put on him instead,
I know you are right is what she said
Dear God, I thank you as she bowed her head.

written by Mary G.

The Past How It Makes Me Weep

2009-01-06T20:39:00.001-05:00

THE PAST HOW IT MAKES ME WEEP

I try so hard to shake the past

But it still flickers through my mind,

That little girl that I do see

Herself she still cant find.

The pain she feels tears through her

Like a knife so sharp she screams,

Why did he do those awful things

When he comes close it makes her squeam.

She feels his breath upon her face

Her eyes shut tight to hide,

He gropes her body until it hurts

“You're daddy's girl, oh how he lied”.

With tears that stain her little cheeks

Too afraid to make a sound,

Like a monster he envelopes her

And takes her, to him she's bound.

She only wishes for happy times

To be free to smile and have fun,

But her sombre look takes hold of her

There's no joy, no love, just none.

She tries so hard to hide her fears

And keeps them deep inside,

But one day they will erupt in her

And to someone she will confide.

With my eyes I see her tiny face

I cry for her each night,

I want so much to hug her close

And tell her it will be alright.

But sadness is all I see in her

And the pain that she did feel,

Of the emptiness that did strangle her

Why did it have to be real?

Where does it say that someone

Can abuse a child so small?

Relentless probing fingers

She was frozen, she was held in thrall.

It still sickens me to envision it

As an adult it still hurts so deep

My mind it wanders amilessly

To the past, how it makes me weep.

I don't know when I will heal inside

For that little girl in me,

Is still too scared to open up

Dear God please help set her free.

Free to be her self again,

With a sparkle in her eye,

To have happy thoughts and pretty smiles

And no more fears that make her cry.

I end this here in hopes that I

Will one day conquer my fears,

And be able to show one little child

That there IS hope, and no more tears.

Written by Mary G.

2008-12-01T18:14:00.004-05:00

Streaming Tears

Streaming tears upon my face
Each day when I awake,
Trying hard to show a smile
A smile that I do fake.

There is no hope is what I feel
To live a normal life,
He saw to that, I was his own
It cuts through me like a knife.

Each day was spent in so much fear
Of what my day would be,
The depths of despair was so very deep
I knew I could never be free.

I went so rigid from his touch
I closed my eyes to hide,
I could not face his eyes so cold
Inside myself I cried.

I cried for all the sad times
I cried for kids like me,
Who had to face the demons of night
That's not how it should have to be.

So many times I prayed to God
To set all children free,
But my words seemed not to be answered
I guess it was meant to be.

Why do we need to feel the wrath
Of so many years gone by?
We suffered enough when we were young
Streaming tears that just won't die.

Written by Mary G.

2008-10-28T14:10:00.002-04:00

DID YOU REALLY LOVE ME

At first I thought you were special
Because you chose me for your own,
You raised me, but did you love me?
I felt so all alone.

Love is what I should have seen
But fear is what I saw,
You yelled and often hit me
And that wasn't your only flaw.

How could you hurt a little girl?
I wasn't very old,
But that didn't matter much to you
You were so very cold.

You also didn't see what he did to me
Or did you just turn away?
I was all alone to face his wrath
My life looked very gray.

He hurt me in so many ways
But showed me love you see
This is what I was looking for
The love you did not give to me.

The things he often did to me
Was not suppose to be,
There was no-one around to stop it
If there was, then I could have been free.

It went on for many, many years
My tears, my pillow stained,
From the many nights I cried in bed
My thoughts were so very drained.

You didn't see the changes in me
I hid them from all to see,
I was a frightened child back then
To this I do agree.

I hid my turmoil from all to see
It was my shame I faced,
It made me feel so dirty inside
It was me that I disgraced.

You see, he took my innocence
But I didn't know it then,
I was like a pawn played in his game
And forced into his den.

And when I grew into a teen
It still went on and on,
He knew I would keep my silence still
His hold on my was strong.

But by then I knew I hated it
It was not suppose to be,
All I saw was a monster then
Bent down upon his knees.

I wished I could have saved myself
But I didn't know how to find,
A safety net to help me then
I knew I was in a bind.

You had no in cling of what went on
He made so sure of it,
He probably never bothered you
It was me who took the hit.

I was so very scared to tell
So I just hid it deep inside,
I was too embarrassed by what I did
That part of myself I must hide.

Now as an adult I still find it hard
To let go of that rage inside,
To let it out and free myself
So my thoughts I won't have to hide.

I hope one day I can forgive
You both for what you did,
So I can move on and live my life
And all the demons I can finally be rid.

written by Mary G.

Our Little Game

2008-10-14T23:34:00.007-04:00

“OUR LITTLE GAME”

Sitting in the darkness
With so much sadness on her face,
Tears welling up inside her eyes
She's breathing as if in a race.

She listens for the footsteps
That she knows are going to come,
She hugs her knees together
And to herself begins to hum.

Her eyes she closes so tightly
As her heart it skips a beat,
No-one around to save her
Her abuser she is soon to meet.

Slowly her door did open
As his figure looms so big,
Tears start streaming down her face
As her fingers in her skin did dig.

She rolled herself into a ball
As he stood right next to her,
He bent down low and whispered
But she didn't even stir.

“I'm here for you, is what he said
Come, let's go and have some fun.”
'NO!!!” she yelled inside herself
But his booming words had stung.

She couldn't yell her words out-loud
He would smother her mouth with his hand,
So there was no use to fight him
She just couldn't understand.

He scooped her up into his arms
And kissed her upon her cheek,
She wanted to scream and claw at him
But her spirit was just too weak.

He threw her on the bed so rough
She tried to squirm away,
But he held her down and told her
“Don't you move, you have to stay.”

Her tears were like a fountain
Spewing down upon her face,
“Please don't do that to me,” she yelled
But he answered with such disgrace.

“You're mine to do with as I please”
Is what he said to her,
“But daddy,let me go, please stop!!!”
But he pressed down so she couldn't stir.

She lay so still as if in a trance
As he squirmed on top and sighed,
She couldn't bear to look at him
She wished she could have died.

As she lay there he whispered into her ear
“Remember this is our little game,”
She cringed when she did hear this
And thinks she is to blame.

She rocked herself to sleep that night
And wished for angels to come,
To set her free from this abuse
That has made her feel so numb.

But no-one came to set her free
Her stomach would twist into knots,
Not knowing what else was coming next
She wished and hopes he rots.

Now as an adult she faces the wrath
Of the demons that haunt her soul,
The memories are fresh, and take over her mind
Of the childhood and joy he stole.

Written by Mary G.

The Mirror

2008-10-06T00:46:00.004-04:00

The Mirror

The mirror is my enemy
When I look inside I see,
A little girl who is so lost
Tears well up in me.

She looks so frightened and so very sad
I can't reach out or touch,
It's just too hard to look at her
For the memories are just too much.

I know she needs my guidance
But she reminds me of all my fears,
So much hate is in her eyes
She sheds so many tears.

So I walk away and leave her
Can't bear to see her cry,
I try so hard to block it out
There's too many tears to dry.

As I turn and look back in the mirror
My adult self I see,
The thoughts I remember are all still there
It just envelopes me.

If I was to smash the mirror
That little girl might go,
But then she would be so trapped inside
He would win, and her life would not grow.

written by Mary G.

Little Girl Lost

2008-09-30T20:01:00.008-04:00

LITTLE GIRL LOST

I was that little girl
Who was so very lost,
Stuck in an adult world you see
It was me he did accost.

I shouldn't have known these awful things
That were so strange and bad,
So much sadness on my face
But I didn't know how to get mad.

He wanted me to like it
But what was there to like,
It made my stomach turn in knots
I was just a little tyke.

I felt so lost and empty
I kept everything buried inside,
So deep within my memory
My thoughts I had to hide.

You took away my innocence
You took away my soul,
I have to face the nightmares still
My happiness you stole.

My inner self is broken
My mind can't comprehend,
The vulgar ways you touched me
And the message you did send.

So yes I was that little girl
Who was so very lost,
And even in my adult self
My life is what's at cost.

written by Mary G.

Dear Mr. Jesus

2008-09-20T22:36:00.001-04:00

Abuse

2008-09-14T12:26:00.008-04:00

ABUSE

Abuse is such a dirty word
It tears us apart inside,
The shame one feels with guilt along
Such a roller-coaster ride.

Searing thoughts do haunt us
The pain we feel is real,
Although it happned long ago
In our minds the thoughts are sealed.

If we could ease the memories
If we could erase the shame,
Then maybe we can continue on
And to the abuse put the blame.

But often times we blame ourselves
But we didn't have control
They are the ones who are at fault
For our innocence they stole.

What could we do? Where could we go?
The answers are unclear
We were just kids, so innocent
In our eyes there was much fear.

So often we shed so many tears
But hid them well each day,
Then no-one could ask us what was wrong
Because then we would surly pay.

It was our little secret
That we knew we couldn't share,
And our abuse always said us
If we told, then we'd better beware.

So we were alone to face all this
We often just gave in,
What was the use, no-one believed
Our abuser would always win.

I pray so hard for the kids out there
For them to speak their minds,
And not be scared to tell someone
Before they ran out of time.

written by Mary G

The Things You Did.....WHY!!!

2008-09-03T23:20:00.003-04:00

The Things You Did....WHY!!!

Who would believe the things you did?
After all, you adopted me, and everyone knew,
You wouldn't hurt your little girl
Your precious one, how they had no clue.

It was my torture, and no-one knew
No hurt could they see deep in my eyes,
Or my thumping heart that beat so fast
With silent sobs and heavy sighs.

All I wanted to feel was love
I tried so hard to be so good,
I let you do those things to me
I was wrong, how I misunderstood.

I tried to pretend that all was fine
That my life was normal for all to see,
I'd laugh and play as any child would
But the secrets were mine, they would torture me.

I wish I had died so many times
What was the use, why should I try,
To understand the things you did
The words you whispered were all a lie.

The memories live inside my head
They hurt me still and still make me cry,
Not a day goes by I don't forget
And to this day I question WHY!!!

written by Mary G.

Dear God

2008-08-23T23:40:00.004-04:00

Hi everyone. I'm trying to get caught up here on my blog since I have been away from it for a month. We were on vacation for 2 weeks, and I managed to get 5 poems written. I have posted 2 here to catch up. Thanks to everyone for the concern as to where I have been.

DEAR GOD

Dear God, I was bad today
Mommy just told me so,
Don't know how I could have stopped
Just thought you'd want to know.

When I awoke this morning
And got up out of bed,
I had an accident in my pants
Oh No!!!!!!Mommy's eyes saw red.

She threw me hard against the floor
I cried in pain and fear,
I tried to cover my ears so tight
So the words I would not hear.

"You dirty, dirty, little thing"
These words were etched in place,
She took my panties off from me
And rubbed poop right in my face.

Oh how I cried, but, with a slap
I shut my mouth that day,
I learned to keep it all inside
Or else I would have to pay.

Dear God I wish that you would speak
To mommies everywhere,
And tell them what they do is wrong
It's just to much to bare.

And try and make them understand
That the hurt is so very real,
The outer scars will go away
But our inner self won't heal.

I know I'm just a little girl,
But I know you understand,
And I can come and talk to you
And walk with you hand in hand.

So God I just wanted you to know
Why I was so bad,
Why my mommy got mad at me
And why I feel so sad.

I know I can always count on you
When mommy doesn't care
For you will always comfort me
When I'm hurt and life's not fair.

written by Mary G.
_________________

IT SHOULDN'T HURT TO BE A KID

2008-08-23T17:33:00.008-04:00

IT SHOULDN'T HURT TO B A KID

Internalized feelings is how she coped
To scared to say just how she felt,
She was on her own, there was no hope
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

She thought she learned what was right from wrong
But you twisted the truth and screwed with her mind,
She thought it was normal for so long
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

Oh how it haunted her for all her life
The depths of despair that ran so deep,
It hurt so much it stung like a knife
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

She would often pretend that all was good
But deep inside she knew the truth,
Of who she was and where she stood
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

You tore her down by your words so cruel
It left her helpless and so forlorn,
That her tears fell down and formed a pool
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

So much sadness is what she often felt
No angels to save her, to keep her safe,
Only pain and bruises that formed a welt
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

It should be a time for fun and laughter
Instead you took it all away,
You were the monster who attacked her
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

Where is the fairness in all of this
How can the little ones defend themselves,
Happiness is what they do miss
It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

written by Mary G

2008-07-22T20:23:00.002-04:00

BUT I'M JUST A LITTLE GIRL

She listens for his footsteps
As she lay in bed at night,
Her pounding heart is what she hears
Her fists are clenched so tight.

She feels his presence close to her
She knows he's by her side,
She knows what will happen next
She wishes she could die.

He slips his hand inside her shirt
She cringes deep inside,
Her spirit's gone forever now
She crawls inside and hides.

He fondles her as she lay still
She wants to scream and shout,
What makes him do these awful things
What brought it all about?

She waits for him to go away
So she could finally sleep,
Her pillow is her comfort zone
She buries her face and weeps.

She buries everything deep inside
She mustn't make a peep,
Self esteem does not exist
Her pain is oh so deep.

Who will come to rescue her
To save her from abuse?
No-one comes at any time
Oh what, oh what's the use.

She cries alone in silence
So that no-one could ever see,
The look of fear upon her face
She wishes she were free.

Free from all the loneliness
Free from the abuse,
Free to stand up for herself
Oh God what is the use.

She's sure it must have been her fault
To let him have his way,
With all the hurtful things he did
Day after day after day

But who would believe her story
They would say she made it up,
Wanting to get attention
For all this stupid stuff.

She cringes as he grabs her
And presses her to him
Her mind she lets to wander
So what he's doing seems very dim.

He asks her if she likes it
What is she suppose to say?
She wishes he would hurry up
Then maybe he'd go away.

She carries this awful secret
And pretends that all is good,
She goes about her daily life
As any good daughter would.

She hates herself for what he did
To her all through those years,
The guilt she feels keeps pouring in
There are still so many tears.

Those many years of silence
Hurt her deep within her heart,
How does she manage to forgive someone
Who tore her all apart?

His life is almost over now
But that doesn't change the fact,
That he did these awful things to her
Those horrid despicable acts.

She tries so hard to let it go
But visions they always creep,
Inside her head to play again
The pain is oh so deep.

How does she win this battle
When will it ever end?
That little girl is all grown up
There's a message she must send.

A message that he can't hurt her now
It happened so long ago,
She has to let it lay to rest
So she can move on and grow.

I am that little girl you see
Who fights this demon still,
I don't know how to stop the pain
Or if I have the will.

I pray that I will have the strength
To keep bad thoughts at bay,
To sweep them up and throw them out
It is the only way.

If I were able to erase
The memories from deep inside,
And show that little girl in me
That she need not fear or hide.

I will try my best to protect her
To keep her close to me,
To let her know our lives are one
That one day she'll be set free.

Free from all the torment,
That eats away inside,
To finally close this chapter
Of the life that she did hide.

I will close the door so gently
And throw away the key,
So the little girl within me
Will hopefully be set free.

written by Mary G.

Monster in the Shadows

2008-07-16T23:35:00.004-04:00

MONSTER IN THE SHADOWS

Alone to face the monster
Alone she sheds a tear,
She cringes in the darkness
As a shadow does appear.

Her eyes she squeezes tightly
So she doesn't see a thing
The monster's close beside her
His words oh how they sting.

Her mind goes round in circles
Her heart beats like a drum,
Pounding fast inside her
Her body feels so numb.

His hands caress her body
Inside herself she screams,
She prays for God to help her
To make this all a dream.

But the night is so long and scary
She wishes she could die
To rid her of this monster
She often questions why?

Why does he do these awful things
What gives this man the right
To take a child so innocent
To be used for his delight.

Her body feels so dirty
She just can't ease the pain,
Of what this monster did to her
The sheets her tears do stain.

Shaking from the trauma
In her mind she runs away,
Far from the emotional anguish
To a safe place where she can stay.

A mountain brook so tranquil
With no-one else around,
She listens to the waterfall
Peace is what she's found.

Then peace recedes, the present comes
To laugh at her defeat,
She just can't face another day
From this monster who won't retreat.

She feels the shame of what he did
Is she the evil one?
To let this monster have his way
But then where would she have run?

She hides her shame within herself
Her self-worth will not be whole,
The guilt that he has put on her
Takes over her mind, her body, and soul.

She speaks no words, they won't come out
But the hurt is in her eyes,
Someday, somehow, she'll change all that
The day when evil dies.

written by Mary G.

Memories

2008-07-07T16:48:00.004-04:00

FLASHBACKS

Piercing words, they hurt so much
Racing through my mind,
A frightened child retreats in fear
Herself she cannot find.

I can't escape the visions
That play deep inside my head,
They never stop re-playing
To be awake is what I dread.

I see a child so tiny
In her crib she cried and cried,
The shape she saw was haunting
In her thoughts it does reside.

So many times I try to shun
The memories I do see,
To hard to fight, I scream inside
Please God, just set me free.

The wholeness inside has been destroyed
She knows not how to fight,
She covers her ears and rocks herself
Her feelings are so contrite.

Reliving all these memories
Constricts your way of life,
It takes away the joy you seek
It cuts through you like a knife.

The solemn look of sadness
Is frozen on her face,
No smile to show some happiness
She just sits and takes up space.

I can't find the rage or anger
To express just how I feel,
They're deep inside and locked up tight
The numbness is just so real.

She doesn't know how to love herself
Hate is what she feels,
No hug to keep her safe at night,
Only fear, when her body he steals.

I mourn so much for myself so small
But I can't reach out to touch
I feel I have deserted her
I want to help so much.

She felt the anguish inside herself
Too much pain, so much distress,
It created a void, no existence
She cringed when he tried to caress.

Too many years to carry
This burden I have inside,
My mind is like a time bomb
There's just nowhere I can hide.

She feels just like a rag doll
To be used and ripped apart,
She wishes for deliverance
To get a fresh new start.

The flashbacks keep repeating
I feel I'll lose my mind,
Can't banish what happened so long ago
To this fate I am resigned.

written by Mary G.

AS adults survivors of child abuse, we often struggle with flashbacks. Flashbacks are recollections from the past. Triggers can bring on a flashback and it can be very distressing. I find it very scary and so real, that I forget that it has happened in the past and is not happening now. The flashbacks are so powerful that I have a hard time letting go, and for me they are there constantly. Trying to be kind to myself is so hard to do, and trying to reach that inner child and tell her that all will be ok, that I am here for her, is also something that I need to practice, because reaching her is so hard to do, and makes me so sad inside. I find the flashbacks keep me trapped and a prisoner in my self. I so much want to be free of them to live a life where I can be happy and know that nothing can ever hurt me again.

Because I hurt

2008-06-29T14:15:00.008-04:00

BECAUSE I HURT

Because I hurt.... I'm crippled
My mind is stuck in time,
It harbours thoughts and visions
Can't wash away the grime.

Because I hurt....I felt damaged
From the time that I was young,
You said I wasn't worthy
Those words hit hard, they stung.

Because I hurt....I felt guilty
For whatever I did do wrong,
You stripped me of my feelings
To heal, my journey's long.

Because I hurt....I felt the shame
Of the harm that I did do,
I thought that it would heal the hurt
But I know it's just not true.

Because I hurt....I felt rejected
And that pain was so very deep,
That little girl was all alone
She'd cry herself to sleep.

Because I hurt....I can't express
My feelings deep inside,
They're locked up tight and can't be reached
The secrets are what I hide.

Because I hurt....I felt violated
In my mind, my body and soul,
You stripped me from my very self
The innocence of life you stole.

Because I hurt....I can't love myself
You never showed me how,
Hate for me is all I felt
For years, right up to now.

Because I hurt....I am not free
To think of happy thoughts,
The memories reel inside my head
Compassion is all I sought.

Because I hurt....I still can't heal
The hurt is here to stay,
Maybe it was all just a dream
This is what I do pray.

Because I hurt....I try to escape
From the emptiness I feel inside,
But the darkness holds me prisoner
My "self" it's gone...it died.

Because I hurt....I felt vulnerable
I trusted you above all,
I didn't know that what you did
Was wrong, it was your call.

Because I hurt....I tried to deny
All things that made me sad,
I often thought I deserved all this,
That just maybe I was bad.

Because I hurt....I can't seem to find
Any goodness inside of me
I only see a crying child
With tears that are too blinding to see.

Because I hurt....my fight is gone
My thoughts I can't divert,
This is how I explain the words
"BECAUSE I HURT."
written By Mary G.

BROKEN

2008-06-22T18:19:00.009-04:00

BROKEN

Your uncaring ways they haunted me
What did I do so wrong?
That you would use me like you did,
Those daunting images are strong.

You took away my self-esteem
You changed my inner self,
You kept me like I was your prize
Like a trophy put on your shelf.

Controlling me, you used me
Like a puppet on a string,
I had to do as I was told
Or face those words that sting.

I find it hard to cleanse the past
Like a wound that just won't heal,
The scars that mar me are so deep
Pent up anger is what I feel.

"I love you" was all I wanted to hear
But those words were never spoken,
Alone and abandoned is how I felt
My heart will be always BROKEN.
written by Mary G.

Even as adults we still feel the sorrow and pain of the past. Trying to come to terms with it is never easy. Years may go by and we still wait for some kind of affirmation and I know for myself I couldn't ask why I didn't get some kind of affirming words and why the words "I love you" were so hard to say. I couldn't verbalize to my parents the words I wanted to say to them, it was too foreign to me. Being adopted, I thought that I would be special because I was "chosen" but that wasn't true at all. I wasn't special. I was just someone that they abused for their satisfaction.

Don't we all have the need to be loved? Don't we need to be held and shown that we belong?
As humans we are programmed for love and protection from someone and when we don't get it, then we try in whatever way possible to receive it.

Stealing our self-esteem breaks us. We crave attention, we crave love, the love that wasn't there. Sometimes we punish ourselves by blaming ourselves, that something must be wrong with us, that our parents or whoever didn't do anything wrong. I feel that way sometimes. I try and comprehend in my mind why things like this happen, why God let it happen? As children were we bad? Or we may think that this is normal behaviour. Maybe this went on in every household. It wasn't spoken about, it was kept quiet.

Now as adults we sometimes can't see or find the truth. It is buried deep inside, too hard to understand. We live our lives not as our true selves but as a part that is missing. A part that we must understand and come to terms with..We must find the other half of us, so that we become whole again, so that we may find love and be loved.....

The Darkness Inside of Me

2008-06-16T20:56:00.003-04:00

The Darkness Inside of Me

Darkness is my enemy
It swallows me up inside,
With searing thoughts and pictures
Flashing slowly; it won't subside.

As I lay their staring blankly
In a room that has no light,
In the darkness that envelopes me
No courage left to fight.

I close my eyes so tightly
To keep out the pain and fear,
But the gripping pieces of memory
Slowly re-appear.

The jaws of darkness devours me
To take over my mind and soul,
The retching feeling deep inside
Is finally taking its toll.

I can't stop the fears of sadness
It tears me all apart,
I see the pain from long ago
That shatters my broken heart.

I can't escape the darkness
That lives inside of me,
I fear it will last forever
It may never set me free.

written by Mary G.

The power of darkness can overtake us. It can consume us and render our spirit, taking away any joy we may feel. " The darkness Within Me" gives me pain, all the pain I have felt throughout my life. It invades my mind. It brings forth the memories from long ago to face over and over again.

The darkness kills my spirit. It obscures my mind.

Why does it have this power over me? Am I that weak that I let it take over my very being? Why does it render me helpless with flashes of memory that overtake my mind, memories that make me sad, hopeless, fearful and helpless? What is this "Power of Darkness?"

My Tears Are Blinding Me

2008-06-11T22:36:00.007-04:00

MY TEARS ARE BLINDING ME

I crawled inside the small cocoon
So no-one else could see,
The pain and fear I felt inside
Just wanting to be free.

To fly away, high up above
The clouds so soft and white,
To be myself for who I am
No fears when it was night.

But I am here, can't fly away
Can't stop the many tears,
Can't right the wrong from long ago
There's just so many fears.

My Inner Child is waiting
For help to come along,
To hold her hand and comfort her
And tell her that she belongs.

But the walls I built are solid still
Too high to set her free,
Can't reach her hand or hold her tight
My tears are blinding me.

I have to try and understand
To capture the truth within,
To gain the strength of who I am,
And see where I have been.

And hopefully I'll see the truth
That I did not do wrong,
And one day I'll reach out to her
And we'll both be so very strong.

written by Mary G.

FEAR

2008-06-04T21:46:00.006-04:00

FEAR

No-one can see the fear she has
Nor the pain within her eyes,
She hides within herself to keep
Her feelings deep inside.

Fear of doing something wrong
Too afraid to use her voice,
She closes her eyes and finds a place
That's hers, it is her choice.

Safe from the fear of hurting words
Safe from all abuse,
Safe to hold herself and cry
But the demons are all still loose.

The biting words, the worthlessness
Makes her cringe deep down inside,
Like a vice, it squeezes life from her
With tears she wants to die.

I try to give her comfort
To hold her close to me,
But the pain from all the memories,
Are too strong to set us free.

That little girl inside of me
Faced many fears and doubts,
She cries inside me everyday
"Please let the DEMONS out!!!"

written by Mary G.

WHAT IS FEAR?

Fear is a strong word. The dictionary defines fear as "an emotional response to tangible and realistic dangers. Most fear is usually connected pain of some kind. Fear is a survival mechanism and usually occurs in response to a specific negative stimulus."

I think having fear is something that is distressing, and makes you aware that there is some sort of danger.

Some types of fear can make a person "live in a bubble" because they can't escape this "bubble" out of fear. They are too afraid.

I feared the emotional abuse of my mother. The power and control that she had over me not only when I was a child but into my adult life, up until her death 3 years ago. I can honestly say that I never ever said a bad word to her or spoke back to her. I was never allowed to voice my opinion about anything. I was never allowed to argue with her even if she was wrong. I never did these things because I FEARED her. I had no self-worth. My feelings never mattered, they were unimportant. She controlled my emotions. She controlled my very "being."

I never ever remembered my mother telling me "I Love You" I never heard her use these words to anyone. I don't ever remember saying it back to her ever. I often felt worthless because she would never listen to me...she had control...she had to BE in control......

FEELINGS

2008-06-01T17:26:00.016-04:00

Feelings

Long ago when I was young
I was not allowed to say,
How I felt inside myself
That's why it's hard today.

Still hiding in the darkness
So no-one else can see,
How I really feel inside
Can't set my feelings free.

Too hard to share with others
To let them see my tears,
I bury my feelings deep inside
And hide away my fears.

No-one can feel my sadness
No-one can see my pain,
I can't upset those close to me
What would I have to gain?

The voice inside is silent still
My tears are shed for me,
Someday I might unlock my fears
And set my feelings free.

written by Mary G.

What are feelings?

Feelings are "inner experiences of mood." Feelings can be pleasant or unpleasant. Most of our feelings fall into groups, like, happy, sad, angry, confused, or scared.

Everyone has feelings, some people have feelings that they can't control, and they let their feelings out, which is a good thing. Others have feelings that they hold within themselves and it can fester and fester then blow.

I keep my feelings inward and always have. Just like in my poem, I don't like letting anyone know how I really feel. When I was growing up at home, I never had a voice. I was never allowed to show my feelings. If I was told to do something but didn't want to, I was not allowed to voice my opinion about it, didn't matter what it was. It was always "Do as your told."

Thoughts can be used to control how we show our feelings. Often I think that by letting my feelings be known that it will upset someone. I hate upsetting people especially those close to me. I feel that if I hide my feelings, then I am in control, no-one else can control my thoughts or feelings. No-one sees me hurting inside . No-one can ask questions. That way I don't have to answer.

I find it so hard to let my feelings out and I know I have to if I want to help myself. Hopefully with help, I'll be able to express how I feel, good or bad, and then maybe I will feel better about myself.

http://www.imeem.com/masteremon/photo

THE INNER CHILD

2008-05-26T23:49:00.006-04:00

THE INNER CHILD

Reaching out I touch her hand
And guide her on her way,
That little girl who fought so hard
Can finally have her say.

It's not your fault, it never was
I try to make her see,
She's not alone to face her fears
She's loved and now she's free.

Free from all the sadness
That filled her heart with pain,
Free to lift her head up high
And erase the years of strain.

So hush little one, hush my sweet
And let me dry your eyes,
Come out from behind your shadow
And watch the demons die.

written by Mary G.

What is the Inner Child? It is a part of our being. It is our “Real Self.” Some psychotherapists call it the “True Self.”
The emotional and sensitive you, who you have controlled and silenced.

The frustrated, pained, neglected you, whom you have hidden away and masked, and have never acknowledged.

We all have this “Inner Child” inside of us. The “inner child” often comes to front when our childhood is ridden with scars and pain that will take years to heal.
Many of our issues often go back to our childhood and what impacted our livcs back then.
The emotional and physical part of our body and mind were hurt and deceived. Deceived into making us think that all was normal, that the behaviour was normal, whatever negative way that we reached out was normal. But now as adults we know this is not the case.

As adults, in order to heal, we must take our inner child and nurture and love that part of us that is wounded. That, is the hardest thing to do.
When we judge ourselves or think badly of ourselves, I think we are giving power to the “demon” inside us. It's like we are feeding the ferousious beast within. It is devouring our every being.

I find that I fight this beast who over-powers me, and I can't get away.
It is always waiting to pounce whenever I am most vulnerable. It plays a waiting game, waiting to take over, and as of late it wins, I lose.........

We need to ask ourselves this question, “who is in control” Is it ourselves, or the “inner child?” A lot of times I think the answer is quite clear the “inner child” is in control because we have often abandoned and abused the inner child in us by keeping her/him locked away in a dark scary place deep within ourselves. And that is where she/he stays, always fearful, afraid to come out.

She/he was not able to be set free, not able to feel loved or told that everything would be ok. She/he was not able to express her feelings and so she/he stayed hidden in fear of being found out.
Feeding our minds with negative thoughts, making us feel ashamed. Controlling our thoughts. This is not right, this is all wrong, She/he can't be let to control us This is how the “wound” in the inner child dictated to us. The woulnd festered inside us for all these years, it controlled our thinking, of how we felt about ourselves, and it just stayed in the background.....waiting......

Now it's time for us to take control, to show the inner child that it will be okay. She doesn't need to “hide behind her shadow.” That she/he can now face whatever happened to her/him so long ago. Nothing can hurt her/him anymore. That we are their for that “inner child,” we will love her/him and show her/him that she/he can't be hurt by any kind of abuse ever again.

I have not reached this part of my healing, but am working hard on it, and hopefully will beat this demon inside of me and release my “inner child” so that she has no more fears, no more tears, just happiness that she was able to survive......
written by Mary G.http://www.crystalinks.com/innerchild.html

What Can We Do???

2008-05-21T20:23:00.005-04:00

I have to say that Depression Awareness by the public is lacking big time. That is why the stigma of depression is still felt by us. People just “don't get it” or they just don't want to understand, they feel that we are exaggerating the way we feel. Maybe they are scared of the word, or don't know what to say to a person with depression.

Depression is often an illness where one is all alone in their struggle. You may feel that you are cut off from everyone at some point.

I often feel the loneliness because I don't talk about it to my family or friends even if they ask if something is wrong I'll say no. But most of the time my family will pick up on it and they feel it. But I say nothing, because I don't want to upset them so I struggle alone, by myself. I stay hidden behind my shadow. My shadow of depression.

I just can't seem to lift the mask that covers me. I feel like a “ticking time-bomb” sometimes ready to explode at any moment. I think this is true for the thousands of people who suffer some form of depression.

Whether we are at home, work or even school, destructive behaviour toward ourselves or others is sounding that alarm on the unspeakable pain that we feel.

Often we try to soothe psychological and emotional wounds in many different ways e.g.

eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, working 24/7, excessive gambling or shopping. These are just some of the ways we soothe or find comfort for our well-being.

I can attest to that, as many of you can. To me, it gives me comfort in some “insane way.”

This on-going challenge of managing depression takes a lot of work. It takes HARD work and commitment by controlling and identifying the factors that trigger it. For me re-living the past and bringing it up at therapy often triggers me after I leave therapy, and thus starts the spiral downward again. I eat, drink, sleep the past over and over again, making me even more sad. I know re-hashing whatever is bothering you has to come out in order to heal. But this is where I find it hard. I find that it's not healing me, it's hurting me the more I think about it, but if I do nothing then I know I will be in big trouble.

They say we need to make the time to have adequate rest, eat healthy, exercise and have continued treatment with a therapist or doctor and continue to take our meds in order to beat this demon.

One problem I have when I am depressed is I don't eat. I may have breakfast and maybe some lunch, but then I won't eat at dinnertime. Sometimes I will only have one meal all day. I'm just not hungry. I do see my therapist on a regular basis and to the most part take my meds . It's strange though, reading the above, I'm chuckling to myself and saying “you idiot why don't you do what you say?” And I think I know the answer to that one. I just don't care enough about myself. I hate myself to some degree because of what has happened to me. I hate the feelings I have, sometimes it nauseates me. I just want to be able to help others. Maybe I can make a difference if only for 1 person, then maybe that person will do something about their depression.

One thing the experts say is we must be honest with ourselves, we have to be able to tell someone how we feel. We need to get help from a professional. Maybe by doing this it will give us strength to share our stories with others. To let them know that they are not alone. That they are not teetering on the edge ready to fall off. Someone is there to catch them. Someone is there to help, that to reach out and face our demons is to end this torture we call depression. We need to face the truth.

I find facing the truth hard. Telling someone how you feel can be very scary. Thoughts are racing through my mind as to what I want to say. Telling family is really hard, because I don't want to let them down or upset them. Being honest about your feelings is not easy. They say that by doing this by releasing our pain to others or even ourselves is the first step in being able to lift our heads high and get the help we need. To end the stigma.

My struggles have been long and hard. I know that I still blame myself for the way I feel. I know, everyone says “your not to blame,” that “you didn't cause this to happen,” but deep down I find it so hard to let go of that feeling. Thoughts often race through my mind no matter what I'm doing, but I will try and put the pieces together somehow someway and I will try to stop feeding the demon that keeps me Hiding behind my shadow!!!

A Lightning Bolt

2008-05-19T22:38:00.006-04:00

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Well today I left to go home after spending 4 days with my grandkids. They were great, and for the most part I felt pretty good, on the outside anyway. It's crazy, but sometimes I can totally be fine, and then zap, it's like a bolt of lightning hit me and the sadness and hopelessness comes thundering into my head. What makes this happen? Tears that want to be shed are locked away and never begin to flow. Feeling the emptiness inside, and the loneliness one feels because you are crying on the inside so no-one can see you or feel your sadness. Emotions that are locked away because there is nothing that can be done to bring them out.

When you are angry, you can usually vent so the anger repairs itself and is forgotten and done with. But sadness just stays, for the most part, it doesn't move, it sits and rots away in your mind. But it needs to be void of its power that it has over you. Combatting this means doing the exact thing that you don't want to do, like visiting your friends, being happy, getting out of the house. Instead of doing the obvious, I want to stay in bed, shut my eyes, leave this world, so there is no more pain, no more sadness.

I want to go back to the beginning, erase the past, and start all over again. But I can't go back in time, I have to move on. Oh yes!!! move on, that's easier said than done. Everyone tells you "move on, forget it, let it be" sure for the ones who do not suffer from depression or other mental illnesses, that's easy to say. Moving on to forget, to live for the present and the future, not to live in the past. But you can't just say that to a person who is depressed, because moving on is not as easy as it seems.

I do the everyday thing I do because I have to, not because I want to. I get up, go to work, put on my happy face, tell everyone who asks that I feel great, when in reality I feel the opposite.

You are told in therapy, be kind to yourself, love yourself.
Trying to be kind to yourself, to nurture You....is not easy, how do you love yourself when all you feel is hatred, either because you feel that you are too weak of a person to fight this demon, or because you don't know HOW to nurture yourself. I mean, how often do we tell ourselves, "Hey me, I love you, you are a wonderful person" Ya right, for me, I wouldn't believe myself if I did say that.

I sit here typing away, with the sadness in me that no-one else sees, I sigh, wondering what tomorrow will bring, I know that I will wake up, get up and go to work, put on my happy face, so others see a "happy" me, when in reality I know I will feel the opposite. The bolt of lightening will keep hitting me, sending me into the spiral of depression.

I will continue when I return from work tomorrow...Sleep well my friends, and try not to let the demon of depression take over......Nippercat

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Just Another Day

2008-05-16T17:07:00.003-04:00

Well today is just another day, I decided at the last minute, (well, my daughter decided for me) to come to Ohio, (I am in Ontario) with hubby who was going on to Dayton for 3 days to come stay with her and my 2 granddaughters who are 4 and 2. I phoned in sick at work telling them I wouldn't be in till Tuesday. Monday is a holiday in Canada. So I quickly packed my clothes, and off I went to Ohio. Yesterday as I was playing with the kids, I had a feeling come over me that I just wanted to go home, This feeling stayed with me all day and it is still there today. I have never had anxiety before if that is what it is, but I just want to be at home, by myself, away from everyone. Why do I have to feel this way? These are the things that depression causes, this I know, but it's still not easy to pretend all is fine, that there is nothing wrong. That's the problem too, people don't want to know how you are really feeling, they don't want to know that your feeling depressed. So you shut them out, and carry on as you always do, hiding, keeping everything inside, and as I do Hiding Behind My Shadow........so the saga continues.........nippercat

Still Hiding........

2008-05-12T20:27:00.003-04:00

Well Monday has come and gone. It is suppose to be May right, well it sure doesn't feel like it. Weather this morning was very cool, and dreary, I hate days like this. Day's like this affect my mood, not that I need anything to upset it as it is. But it does make me feel icky inside. I went to the cemetery yesterday to plant some flowers at my mom's grave site. On the way I started to cry. It's been 3 years since my mom passed away, and I miss her so much. I cleaned up the grave site and planted the flowers, and brought home a little cherub well it actually has 2 cherubs on it, for each of my 2 granddaughters. I had put their names on it in permanent marker, but over the winter it came off. Now I have to figure out what to use so their names don't come off. If anyone has any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

So going to the cemetery just added to my depression. Depression chokes me., it's like it overtakes everything else.
You try to ignore it and concentrate on other things, but......guess what??? IT'S STILL THERE. Sometimes it overtakes you when you least expect it... Sometimes I feel like I 'm in a fog and can't get out, groping my way through it hoping to find a light at the end of the tunnel.....and......I'm still Hiding behind my shadow....

2008-05-12T18:42:00.001-04:00

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Forgiveness

2008-05-07T21:35:00.002-04:00

I have watched this video over and over again, and it is so true, to forgive ourselves is to move on. But it is something that is so hard to do, we find it easier to forgive others and not ourselves. "To let go of the past, to forgive one-self is to heal one-self". You know, hearing that, I know it's the right thing to do, but I can't seem to let go even though hanging onto it keeps the hurt and pain deep inside you, and there is no way you can move on. Negative energy and hurt from the past only keeps the pain alive.

Why is it so hard to move on? Why can't we see that agonizing over this only hurts us more? I find it a hard question to answer.

I have gone over this while in therapy, I know that when my therapist tells me these things, that she is right. But it just eats away at you. You can't seem to let go. It eats away at your mind, at your soul, never letting you forget.

Is it the depression that makes you think this way? Is it because you feel some sort of guilt? Maybe you did something wrong to cause it. I find my demons are stronger than I am. I feel like giving up at times, but I don't want to give up, I want to fight and I will fight as long as I can. We can't let depression beat us, because if we do we will never be able to forgive ourselves, to come out from behind the shadow, the shadow that keeps us hidden and scared.

This is a continuation of how I feel, of my depression. Today at work I tried so hard to keep my mind busy, the kids made me laugh at school, and I did smile and for a moment I did forget, and I was in the present. The thoughts were gone just a few precious moments, and it felt good, but then the shadow came back and I was once again hiding behind it, my mask was in place once again. FORGIVENESS is the key to all this, we have to try and forgive ourselves, to love ourselves and maybe, just maybe the mask will slowly unveil itself, and we can finally be set free............

HIDING BEHIND MY SHADOW

2008-05-05T23:57:00.016-04:00

May 5-11 Is Canadian Mental Health Week

HIDING BEHIND MY SHADOW

I slip behind my shadow
To hide, to melt away,
No-one else can see me
Who cares its just that way.

I often feel the loneliness
That I carry around inside
The feelings are so vivid
I try so hard to hide.

My mind is filled with images
I try to see the good,
But I'm hiding behind my shadow
Because I am often mis-understood.

This is how I feel. I try to think of the positive, but depression often takes over. You go to work and try to hide the sadness you feel. You smile, and laugh, but you are just hiding how you really feel. Depression takes over.

I suffer from depression and I am not ashamed to say it. I was diagnosed with severe depression 8 years ago, but I know that I had it for many years before that. Now, again, I see the silent face of depression. The "gray area of life." It has come back to haunt me.

People who see you daily, your co-workers, friends, and sometimes even your family do not see the real you. I have learned how to hide it, I have learned little tricks so that no-one can see the torment I feel inside. People do not understand depression, it is a stigma, "stay away from her" she's depressed. She's a "nut case."
You see, depression has no face, you cannot really see it. It is an invisible illness for the most part and often masks its-self as something else.

Sometimes people can see the signs if they are looking for it. Your family, if they know you are depressed can often see it. There can be visible signs like staying in your bed, emotional signs, crying, screaming, but the other signs, the silent ones that you feel in your head, only you know what they are, only you can feel them, only you can see them, no-one else.

Often a person that you would never suspect of having a mental illness is the person who does. It is like hiding behind a mask, you do not want to take it off because if you do the real you would be seen.

People with depression often suffer alone, by themselves. Often you try to be strong, but deep inside your feelings are playing havoc, you feel that it is somehow your fault for what has happened in your life, that you yourself caused it. I struggle with this everyday, always thinking that somehow it is my fault no-one else's. I am to blame for how I feel. Day after day it is a struggle to survive, always thinking when or how will it ever end?

I am that someone who hides behind my shadow, hoping that I can erase the images and go on. But it is not easy. Easy to say but hard to do.

The stigma of mental illness is not the same as a person having another illness. People do not understand, they think it is all in your head, that you can just snap out of it and get on with your life. Well, I wish that were true, because if it was then I would not be talking about it right now. I would be able to get on with my life and leave it behind. I do not think it ever really goes away. It is a very scary illness for the person who has it and a very REAL illness. Maybe people are afraid of the word DEPRESSION, maybe that is why they do not really understand what we are going through or maybe they do not want to understand, but because of this stigma, the depressed person hides, and does not often seek medical help.

Seeking professional help often helps either by being given medication, or going to therapy. I have done both and am still taking medication and I am still in therapy. I have a wonderful therapist who is so understanding and has helped me so much.

I am not ashamed of who I am, I am just trying to deal with my emotions, my inner feelings, my inner self, trying to deal with the shadow that I hide behind. Hopefully someday, I hope to come out from behind that shadow and show the people around me that I am just an ordinary person, that I am someone who suffers from an illness, an illness called DEPRESSION..

If you know someone who is depressed comfort and support them, let them know that you are there for them, to help them in any way that you can. Do not fear them. Do no let them hide behind their shadow or mask, do not let them slip away, guide them along the way to seek the help they need. Help them to hold their head up high. Let them know that it is alright to have this illness called depression, that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I think that is one of the biggest reasons we hide, and only show our true self to people we know who are caring and understanding.

I will from time to time come back to this subject and let you know how I am doing. But for now I am still hiding behind my shadow.......

2008-04-21T23:05:00.008-04:00