vegas 148

We all heal in different ways, we need to reach out to our feelings, feel and really concentrate on what it is that is hiding inside of us. S many ways to move forward, to accept that what happened to us was horrible, was not our fault.But we have to really pay attention to what our inner self is telling us, listen to our inner child who may be crying because she/he is scared to face the past still, even if it happened so many years before. Open your heart to your feelings. I am struggling with this right now, been a long hard week for me, and I know I don't say anything here in the group about it, but I am human, I have things that bother me, just l like many of you do also.
Voicing how we feel is very hard for many of us, as we have been programmed from a child to not talk about anything, so what do we
do? We shut down. I know I did, and I still do to this very day.

We need to love ourselves, and that is sometimes hard to do, when you feel that you hate yourself for feeling the way you are. And learning to love yourself is so hard to do, because we never knew how to do that as a child. Just living day to day, trying to stay away from our abuser, how did we get to love ourselves. I hated myself for what happened. I hated everything about me, hated the thought that I was adopted, hated my real parents for leaving me, even though I didn't know the reason why. So how could I love myself? Do you feel that way also? Yes, for the most part I am healed, but still have some work to do.

And this is what you also have to decide for yourselves, that its ok to feel, its ok to say " hey Im struggling here, and need some help." There is nothing wrong with getting help. Write down your feelings, write down how you feel about yourself, about why you are hurting inside, then go through them one by one, hopefully it will clear up some of the things that are stuck in your mind. We all have new memories that are going to pop up, and when we are ready to face them our mind will let us know. Grab hold of your inner child and tell her/him that they are safe, nothing is going to hurt them ever again. God Bless everyone, and thank you for listening. 

FEELINGS THAT HURT

Hurt, much sadness,

Lost feelings inside

Spilling deep

Within my heart

Tears that flow

Like a fountain

Seems to never

Want to end

How much hurt

Does one have to feel

So much doubt

I feel inside.

Nerves that cause

Words that hurt

Deep inside my head

I just can’t hide

Away from myself

Can’t face so much

Sorrow inside.

 Where does it end

That past that haunts

But I need to hang on

To some strength,

My hearts not in it

Just not right now,

I will have

To begin again

They say we are

Healing from the past

When our mind

Let’s the thoughts

Come through

But until it does

Sad feelings inside

My tears still flow

Im Lost.

Mary Graziano©

September 1, 2013

 These were my thoughts that I had this morning and for a few days now. Fighting with myself, trying to make sense of how I feel inside myself.  I feel so frustrated, and about to explode inside.  Feel like just taking off in my car and just driving, but in reality I can't do that. I have to face the feelings, I guess the demons from the past that still haunt  me.  Facing those new memories I am thinking this might be why I am feeling this way.  It has been a long time since I have hurt like this, a very long time.  I don't like it and hate myself for it.  But I also know I need t move on, and others are trying to help me reach that point.  New memories creep up on us and send us backwards, but we can't stay there, it is not where we are.  Clearing up those new memories is going to take some time for me, my mind hasn't let me see everything that happened, but hopefully in time it will.  Next blog will be about the attic.  That is my new memory, where that little 4/5 year old girl in me was deeply afraid, fearing the darkness, being so afraid by being locked inside the attic by someone .